Living With A Bully

 Oedipus 

Or Living With A Bullying Brother

“Some of the most poisonous people
come disguised as friends and family.”

~ Gerald Sinclair  ~

“The only way I’ve been able to survive the betrayal
of lovers, family members, and society
is to be able to create as an artist.”

~ Madonna Ciccone ~

"The past is never dead. It's not even past."

~ William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun ~

The Greek story about Oedipus

was about a curse --

that Oedipus was fated to kill his father

and marry his mother

However, the drama was really about two curses

the second curse 

was that Oedipus would be driven to discover the truth

and when he did

it would destroy him

We often feel we must find the truth

no matter what the cost

we might believe 

that "the truth will set you free"

but truth has a life of its own

it can free you

or imprison you

The blind Oedipus with his children at the end of this life.

* * * * *

I was born four years

after my brother

who was tall and strong for his age

I was, however, small and not athletic

As a child I naturally 

looked up to my older brother

my only sibling

we were often left alone together

since my parents were divorced

and he was put in charge of me

We shared many good times 

like flying kites on the beach

but there was something wrong

with him and we all knew it --

he had violent mood swings

that came with no warning

My parents both told me

to just live with it

he was a bit difficult

but making a fuss 

would only make things worse

"Don't rock the boat"

they said

and since my father lived next to a pond 

and I spent many hours rowing our boat

I knew I didn't want to tip

the boat over 

and drown

Yet as I grew older

I began to distance myself --

I cared for him as my brother,

but I wanted to be free of his moods

So when we were over 60 years old

I was talking to him on the phone 

because of matters 

concerning my father's estate

-- after years of not communicating --

and for some reason I blurted out

"You know I could have been your best friend."

There was a slight silence 

and then he said four words

that he had never said before

that explained everything

and that neither my father or mother 

would let themselves believe

"I never liked you," he said

Suddenly

it was like a lightning bolt

that ignited memories of times 

when he had put me in danger

Once I almost drowned 

when he goaded me to swim too far

to a raft in the middle of a pond 

where he was sitting

even though I was only eight years old 

and I had to be rescued by a lifeguard

He often chose holidays 

when the family came together

to vent his anger

At Christmas when I was 25 and married 

he told me to hurry up

as he had done when we were young

I said, "I'll be there in a minute"

next thing I knew he had packed his bags

screamed at my wife, my mother and me

and left

ruining Christmas for all of us

My tolerance of his moods

finally ended 

when I was in the passenger seat of his car

and he suddenly became angry

at a remark 

my wife said to him 

from the back seat

he floored the idling engine 

capturing us

as he barreled 

down a quiet neighborhood

where kids were playing in the street

at 50 miles an hour

he ran stop signs and stop lights

without looking or pausing

After that I settled

on a catchphrase

to describe him and his behavior:

he was 'mentally ill'

While this was not wrong

it let him off the hook:

he was not responsible

it was the fault of the illness

in any case it allowed me 

to distance myself

but now 

what he said on the phone

opened a wound 

into a chasm,

finally admitting

what he'd been thinking

all the time I'd been alive

from the moment I was born

he wanted me gone

and he was responsible

for what he'd done

So like Oedipus 

I had found the truth

but the warm family times 

I remembered with him

were shattered --

I now saw them as

part of his strategy

to get me to trust him

before he made his next move

to rid me from his life

The story of "Leave Her To Heaven" is quite similar to what my brother had in mind for me. A trusted loving wife goes out in a row boat on a lake with the beloved brother of her husband who has been crippled by polio. When he swims away from the boat and then starts to founder, she does nothing and lets him drown. She is consumed by an overwhelming jealousy of anyone or anything that takes her husband's attention away from her. But at the same time, she manages to avoid responsibility claiming it was an accident. 

But there was even more --

in that same moment

anger toward my parents 

bubbled over

and I felt a deep sense 

of betrayal

They could not admit 

my brother was unstable and abusive

And so they had put me in danger

to avoid another 

of my brother's tantrums --

and when I did start to complain

they said it was childish

I would grow out of it

"boys will be boys"

For some reason during that same phone call

he did not soften what he just said

"I wish you had never been born.

I was very happy with my parents all to myself,"

this 60-year-old man moaned

* * * * *

In the classic movie, Casablanca,

Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman

"We'll always have Paris." 

meaning that they will always

have the memory of being together in Paris

and nothing could change that

but now my brother had 

changed the past

and my good memories of him

were poisoned

* * * * *

When I was 10 years old

I read about the Wright Brothers

and how they designed kites

before they flew a plane

At that time, when I loved my brother,

I imaged the two of us designing 

a spaceship or a large telescope

working together as the 

Wright Brothers

One of the Wright Brothers' kites they used to test their ideas about flight.

But now I had to revise my memories

and what I came up with

was a kind of solution

for living with the truth

I would think of him 

as two different people

I remembered the times

when we went out 

to the beach at Cape Cop 

to fly kites --

in a cold stiff wind

him holding the line

me holding the kite

he held up his hand 

to find the wind

while I walked the kite out 

until the line was taut

then when a gust came along

he flashed me the signal

and I let go

it shot straight up

high into the sky

with its tail flapping

like a rocket taking flight

and together we laughed 

a big full laugh

then he was the big brother 

I looked up to

And so I decided 

I would allow myself 

to remember those times

fondly

without the shadow 

of his other self

but never again

have anything more 

to do with him 

for the rest of my life