Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Living With A Bully

 Oedipus 

Or Living With A Bullying Brother

“Some of the most poisonous people
come disguised as friends and family.”
~ Gerald Sinclair  ~

“The only way I’ve been able to survive the betrayal
of lovers, family members, and society
is to be able to create as an artist.”
~ Madonna Ciccone ~

"The past is never dead. It's not even past."
~ William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun ~

The Greek story about Oedipus
was about a curse --
that Oedipus was fated to kill his father
and marry his mother

However, the drama was really about two curses
the second curse 
was that Oedipus would be driven to discover the truth
and when he did
it would destroy him

We often feel we must find the truth
no matter what the cost
we might believe 
that "the truth will set you free"

but truth has a life of its own
it can free you
or imprison you

The blind Oedipus with his children at the end of this life.

* * * * *
I was born four years
after my brother
who was tall and strong for his age
I was, however, small and not athletic

As a child I naturally 
looked up to my older brother
my only sibling
we were often left alone together
since my parents were divorced
and he was put in charge of me

We shared many good times 
like flying kites on the beach
but there was something wrong
with him and we all knew it --
he had violent mood swings
that came with no warning


My parents both told me
to just live with it
he was a bit difficult
but making a fuss 
would only make things worse
"Don't rock the boat"
they said
and since my father lived next to a pond 
and I spent many hours rowing our boat
I knew I didn't want to tip
the boat over 
and drown

Yet as I grew older
I began to distance myself --
I cared for him as my brother,
but I wanted to be free of his moods

So when we were over 60 years old
I was talking to him on the phone 
because of matters 
concerning my father's estate
-- after years of not communicating --

and for some reason I blurted out
"You know I could have been your best friend."

There was a slight silence 
and then he said four words
that he had never said before
that explained everything
and that neither my father or mother 
would let themselves believe

"I never liked you," he said

Suddenly
it was like a lightning bolt
that ignited memories of times 
when he had put me in danger

Once I almost drowned 
when he goaded me to swim too far
to a raft in the middle of a pond 
where he was sitting
even though I was only eight years old 
and I had to be rescued by a lifeguard





He often chose holidays 
when the family came together
to vent his anger

At Christmas when I was 25 and married 
he told me to hurry up
as he had done when we were young
I said, "I'll be there in a minute"
next thing I knew he had packed his bags
screamed at my wife, my mother and me
and left
ruining Christmas for all of us

My tolerance of his moods
finally ended 
when I was in the passenger seat of his car
and he suddenly became angry
at a remark 
my wife said to him 
from the back seat

he floored the idling engine 
capturing us
as he barreled 
down a quiet neighborhood
where kids were playing in the street

at 50 miles an hour
he ran stop signs and stop lights
without looking or pausing

After that I settled
on a catchphrase
to describe him and his behavior:
he was 'mentally ill'

While this was not wrong
it let him off the hook:
he was not responsible
it was the fault of the illness

in any case it allowed me 
to distance myself

but now 
what he said on the phone
opened a wound 
into a chasm,
finally admitting
what he'd been thinking
all the time I'd been alive

from the moment I was born
he wanted me gone

and he was responsible
for what he'd done

So like Oedipus 
I had found the truth
but the warm family times 
I remembered with him
were shattered --
I now saw them as
part of his strategy
to get me to trust him
before he made his next move
to rid me from his life

The story of "Leave Her To Heaven" is quite similar to what my brother had in mind for me. A trusted loving wife goes out in a row boat on a lake with the beloved brother of her husband who has been crippled by polio. When he swims away from the boat and then starts to founder, she does nothing and lets him drown. She is consumed by an overwhelming jealousy of anyone or anything that takes her husband's attention away from her. But at the same time, she manages to avoid responsibility claiming it was an accident. 


But there was even more --
in that same moment
anger toward my parents 
bubbled over
and I felt a deep sense 
of betrayal

They could not admit 
my brother was unstable and abusive

And so they had put me in danger
to avoid another 
of my brother's tantrums --
and when I did start to complain
they said it was childish
I would grow out of it
"boys will be boys"

For some reason during that same phone call
he did not soften what he just said
"I wish you had never been born.
I was very happy with my parents all to myself,"
this 60-year-old man moaned

* * * * *
In the classic movie, Casablanca,
Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman
"We'll always have Paris." 

meaning that they will always
have the memory of being together in Paris
and nothing could change that

but now my brother had 
changed the past
and my good memories of him
were poisoned

* * * * *
When I was 10 years old
I read about the Wright Brothers
and how they designed kites
before they flew a plane

At that time, when I loved my brother,
I imaged the two of us designing 
a spaceship or a large telescope
working together as the 
Wright Brothers

One of the Wright Brothers' kites they used to test their ideas about flight.


But now I had to revise my memories

and what I came up with
was a kind of solution
for living with the truth

I would think of him 
as two different people

I remembered the times
when we went out 
to the beach at Cape Cop 
to fly kites --
in a cold stiff wind
him holding the line
me holding the kite

he held up his hand 
to find the wind
while I walked the kite out 
until the line was taut

then when a gust came along
he flashed me the signal
and I let go

it shot straight up
high into the sky
with its tail flapping
like a rocket taking flight
and together we laughed 
a big full laugh

then he was the big brother 
I looked up to

And so I decided 
I would allow myself 
to remember those times
fondly
without the shadow 
of his other self

but never again
have anything more 
to do with him 
for the rest of my life






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